What was I doing exactly a year ago? I believe I was working my last week at Trevelyan's, after failing to get a job at Auckland. Nearing October 15th, (or was it 20th?) my working visa was about to end, and I desperately needed to earn as much money as possible. After all, I would only have a limited amount of cash to survive 3.5 months overseas.

A year has passed just like that, and right now I am writing with my laptop, reminiscing all the NZ moments. That's all I could do in an attempt to bath myself in glory and happiness. It's not as if I am not exactly happy now, but after coming back, I am hereby forced to face on the ultimate question everyone near my age has to answer: how am I going to be able to feed myself, get a house, settle with loans, etc?

I used to believe that money isn't a problem, but after all these years, I don't think I can believe that anymore. Money is and will always be a problem. Hard work, hustling, and striving are unavoidable. Just acknowledging them depresses me a little. I don't think I can ever get an answer to my lifelong question:"why all these suffering???"

That is always the main reason why I am currently refusing to work a full time job. I refuse to rush and rage myself through the life-sucking traffic everyday to earn a living. That's not life, or is it? At least I refuse to believe that's the only way we can make a living. If I were still in Te Puke, or Wanganui, or even Auckland, sure, that wouldn't be a problem at all. But unfortunately, I am stuck and rooted here, in a city called Puchong, and will probably stay here for quite a long while to come.

My only wishes now is to be able to establish an art business that can sustain me enough to pay bills and everything. I will slowly work on more projects, I will finish writing these books, and hopefully they can earn me some extra cash. I can't help but put my hopes on this one book, because right now, if you ask me if I will achieve anything in five years, other than this book, I can't think of anything else.

Now I am depressed a little more.

*Deep breaths*

I should get back to painting.