It's quite fascinating reading back my thoughts, especially those that weren't touched at all after coming back to Malaysia.
I thought these thoughts? How? Wow!
I'm even... slightly impressed...?

I am having mixed feelings recording down everything I wrote on paper while I was in NZ.
A little bit of shame, mixed with tiredness, sleepiness, and some nostalgia, baked with my digital footprint in this totally secret-y exclusive blook.

hah.

29/12/17

4/8/19 Jack: I must had been staying in Christchurch still. The only thing I remember was the crazy portable campsites, Christmas happenings, kids banging my window for fun, somehow memorable fireworks, barbeques and my lonesome Nintendo 3DS.
It was a week=long celebration.

=

Lake Poaka Amenity Area.
No sandfly unlike what people in Campermate said.

I think I'm slightly addicted to mountain climbing (trekking?). The feeling of reaching the top (Assassin's Creed!!!) & Getting to enjoy the panoramic views, the sensation of bringing my long-dead lungs back to life, the usage of all my limbs and torso to balance my body out. I never thought there will come a day where I actually enjoy a physical activity.
(Yes, everytime I finish climbing a mountain I tell myself that this is the last fucking one I'm DONE with climbing but there I go again.)

"I'm done with my bullshits. That's when a life breakthrough happen." - Liz Gilbert.
As I climb my way up to the peak, there were so many times I told myself STOP I NEED A REST NO I CAN'T GO ANYMOR- NO BULLSHIT & I kept walking. It worked. And for that one second I thought I can accomplish any fucking thing I want to do. I'm completely done with my bullshits.

The dream came back again, this time reminding me of (I cried) my trauma & mum. I wonder why is it such a hot topic for my personal nightmare manager to bring up. They could show me something like a red-clothed female ghost or me drowning in a jar of marmite or a long-drop toilet or whatever & I'll be fine but THAT??? WHY???

I don't know how to face that part of my memory sometimes. And it's awkward & weird to discuss that with my family. What I know is, at that moment when that happened, I could do ANTHING if it meant getting my normal mum back. That thought makes me proud as a son.
But after all these months, with it still lingering, I feel so helpless whenever it strikes randomly, as if it's trying to remind me that all I'm doing now is futile & it will forever be affecting my life whenever it chooses to.

I won't let it.

Anyway, it's decided that I'm doing Mt. Cook tomorrow. Woke up too late today teehee. (I think this meant that I was supposed to do Mt. Cook on the 29th of December). The night's sleep was bad, my body was well-covered from the cold but breathing in cold, chilly air? With my mouth? That, I can't stand.
Good luck with helpx, weather tomorrow & with your car. And seriously, don't fret about the money so much. Everything will be fine, like always. I'm confident in you. Sleep tight.

Is it just me, that Morrie always seems to say just the right thing at the right time? Page 104 & 105. As the pages grow thinner, I grow more waried.
"Wait no don't stop here, tell me more!"
"What if I didn't have my cunts & whores? I asked. Would I feel lonely?"
Yes, I would feel as if there is a huge void in me, one I wouldn't know how to fill. But after these many months of traveling, I feel like I could never ever feel lonely anymore. I am in tune with nature & it is with me.

I took out my old NZL diaries and it honestly washed me over with a small wave of uncomfortableness. Is this even a word.
It's been close to a year since I last did anything with this project, and I am so proud of myself for doing it now, eventhough it's 3am and there's pretty much nothing major I can do.

Ah well, here it goes.

Now that I know myself more through MBTI, sadness and happiness somehow seems more easily manageable, as if the cloud that has always been misting my head has cleared a little.

Whenever I stress myself out over my career path, I can't help but picture the day when I set myself down the camp off Picton, and cried my heart out staring at the green hills in front of me.
They were the tears of happiness.

I was so, so so darn happy the sudden emotions the mixture of so many different thoughts at the same time. Wonder, relaxation, excitement, relief, joy, almost everything I've never felt since long ago.
And that was the time when I did not have to worry about anything, not even the night that came, tomorrow's whereabout and the following week's food money. Nothing. just me, my car, and the hills.

Full on Se indulgent, and my Ni gave me a rest. He must have realized he's tired himself too.

Perhaps I should learn not to worry about the future, or let in control any present moment I'm living. Perhaps I need to notice and appreciate "the nows" more, as they mean just as much as what they can be in the future.

Hi, How Are You Today?

I've got nowhere else to rant these shits, not even to myself.
What can you do when you don't even validate your own fears and insecurity?

Well, for me, I write.
That is all I can do, with each alphabet and word I try (keyword: try) to ease the pain from the self-grown thorn in my core.

Wait, what happened today?
I painted. I sighed, and I almost stopped.
Why? What's wrong?
I was comparing myself to other artist. Other more successful artists and designers. Other more successful artists and designers of my same age, and I looked at my work.
"What are those???" I thought.

I know all too well that these intrusive thoughts are unhealthy, baseless and totally pointless.
My thoughts are just, thoughts after all, as they swift very quickly sometimes, from the highest point of Mt. Everest to the lowest point of the Mariana Trench.

Heck, but you've been trying harder, and harder.
Yeah I did, and knowing that I couldn't produce as much good work as other people do with the same amount of hard work saddens me even more.
Well maybe they worked harder? Yeah, they probably do. But for me, to work at least 15% harder takes about 100% of effort. 26 years of living experience acknowledges this fact.

Why are you comparing yourself to the works of other artists, when all of you have different styles, stories, and works??
I know, I know that I have many different stories in my mind, that can possibly grant me at least the tiniest bit of the golden cup called "success and fame".
The thing is, I am not progressing much in them 8D
But you are indeed, writing, or at least attempting to write a book now, ain't you?

OK FINE YOU WIN
I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER NOW, ALRIGHT
STAPH

You ought to give yourself more credit, you are much stronger than you think you are.
How many years will it take for you to give up on your dreams?
Ten years? Still counting?
You will never give up, and that's your greatest strength. Possibly the most valuable one, ever.
I KNOW
I KNOW
ALRIGHT.
Alright.
I will keep writing now. okay?
I will.
I WILL

(Brings me back to the imaginative conversations of Ni, Fe, Ti, and Se last night when I was just about to fall asleep. My Ni was screaming WORKK WORKK YOU DESERVE NO SLEEP YOU HAVE DREAMS TO REALIZE; my Fe was thinking oh fuck did I hurt my mum's feelings just now by saying women nowadays rely too hard on their husbands for living??? WHO ELSE'S FEELINGS DID I HURT; Ti: Dude, sleep now, you need the energy to have better work tomorrow; Se: Hmmmm Will this posture give me a sore back tomorrow?)

What was I doing exactly a year ago? I believe I was working my last week at Trevelyan's, after failing to get a job at Auckland. Nearing October 15th, (or was it 20th?) my working visa was about to end, and I desperately needed to earn as much money as possible. After all, I would only have a limited amount of cash to survive 3.5 months overseas.

A year has passed just like that, and right now I am writing with my laptop, reminiscing all the NZ moments. That's all I could do in an attempt to bath myself in glory and happiness. It's not as if I am not exactly happy now, but after coming back, I am hereby forced to face on the ultimate question everyone near my age has to answer: how am I going to be able to feed myself, get a house, settle with loans, etc?

I used to believe that money isn't a problem, but after all these years, I don't think I can believe that anymore. Money is and will always be a problem. Hard work, hustling, and striving are unavoidable. Just acknowledging them depresses me a little. I don't think I can ever get an answer to my lifelong question:"why all these suffering???"

That is always the main reason why I am currently refusing to work a full time job. I refuse to rush and rage myself through the life-sucking traffic everyday to earn a living. That's not life, or is it? At least I refuse to believe that's the only way we can make a living. If I were still in Te Puke, or Wanganui, or even Auckland, sure, that wouldn't be a problem at all. But unfortunately, I am stuck and rooted here, in a city called Puchong, and will probably stay here for quite a long while to come.

My only wishes now is to be able to establish an art business that can sustain me enough to pay bills and everything. I will slowly work on more projects, I will finish writing these books, and hopefully they can earn me some extra cash. I can't help but put my hopes on this one book, because right now, if you ask me if I will achieve anything in five years, other than this book, I can't think of anything else.

Now I am depressed a little more.

*Deep breaths*

I should get back to painting.

I am just, suddenly feeling this surge of nostalgia and ... an emotion of longing to do SO MUCH MORE TO WRITE MAKE ART PUBLISH BOOKS AND DREAM AND LAUGH AND EXPLORE THE WORLD CAMP ON A MOUNTAIN AND- I am stuck in my room with my laptop at 5:00am. The thunder roared, and I wondered if my dog is okay. She's afraid of thunder.

When will I be able to finish this book? Will I be able to finish this book? Will I be able to return to mountains and forests, enjoying the magnificent view only a good overnight hike can give? The longing of going back to nature and having no entertainment with me except my pencil and paper? Those moments can easily come back if I will them enough, but I highly doubt so. I am stuck with my commitments even though I deem myself a freelancer, someone who supposedly has a lot of freedom and autonomy to their time.

What an irony.

Bah. The thought of moving to another city/ place is alluring, but I don't think I would love to be away from my parents. Maybe I should visit more forests and gardens.

Hello

It astounds myself how I never realize that I could just, create a new blog to record everything tagged NZL???

What, the, fuck?

Alright. Two things I want to write today.

-

I met Sze Ern yesterday at my bazaar, and it was always a pleasure to meet her as she always gives a very friendly, casual, and understanding aura.

She's working for Teach for Malaysia, and is still staying with her family in Kajang. It was her choice to stay with her family, realizing that after years of spending her time alone in other states, the time with her family could be short especially after she gets married in the future. I couldn't help but agree to everything she said, and I told her that I felt the same after leaving for a year.

The feeling of spending more time with my parents definitely grew stronger after NZ, and I don't think I would ever feel this way had I not go oversea. It has always been a practice for me to expect and anticipate the passing of my parents because I know that it will definitely hurt. I mean, they are both 60s, and if we are lucky, we could spend at least three or four decades together still. But who's to say that all of us will be able to survive this long in this world full of uncertainty?

I have long since pass the stage of pondering on these what-ifs, and have since focused on spending more quality time with them. It's the least I could do, because when they do pass, I need to be able to tell myself that I have done my best in being a son.

Till that day, I will just keep trying my best. I know they know that too.

=

(My eyes are forcing themselves shut already)
I checked out the Skykiwi job board just an hour ago, the result of a random, forced intrusive NZ flashback that comes regularly. Seriously, I don't even know how that action and thought came to be. Ah, I remember it now. I thought of my bank account in NZ and how can I make full use of it.

Anyways, it reminded me how painful it was forcing myself to scroll through the online job board page by page every day, every hour and minute until I managed to find a good job posting. I was at a family friend's home, and couldn't help but feel utmost insecurity since I woke up very late every night, paid no rent, did no housework or anything to help them. Hey, I told them I could help! It wasn't a pleasant feeling having to rely on someone eventhough they mean to help genuinely. I am just not someone to accept pure help that easily.

Well, I've got to keep myself posted on the forum, hoping to score myself some digital works. After all, I keep my NZ bank account in case there's any opportunity.

The amount of job posting is still astounding though. Funny how there can be a complete different language rooting and surviving in a western country.

Ah, dealing and working with Chinese foreigners. I mean, most of them were fine, but the calls with them were... rather unpleasurable. Eeek.