Hi, How Are You Today?

I've got nowhere else to rant these shits, not even to myself.
What can you do when you don't even validate your own fears and insecurity?

Well, for me, I write.
That is all I can do, with each alphabet and word I try (keyword: try) to ease the pain from the self-grown thorn in my core.

Wait, what happened today?
I painted. I sighed, and I almost stopped.
Why? What's wrong?
I was comparing myself to other artist. Other more successful artists and designers. Other more successful artists and designers of my same age, and I looked at my work.
"What are those???" I thought.

I know all too well that these intrusive thoughts are unhealthy, baseless and totally pointless.
My thoughts are just, thoughts after all, as they swift very quickly sometimes, from the highest point of Mt. Everest to the lowest point of the Mariana Trench.

Heck, but you've been trying harder, and harder.
Yeah I did, and knowing that I couldn't produce as much good work as other people do with the same amount of hard work saddens me even more.
Well maybe they worked harder? Yeah, they probably do. But for me, to work at least 15% harder takes about 100% of effort. 26 years of living experience acknowledges this fact.

Why are you comparing yourself to the works of other artists, when all of you have different styles, stories, and works??
I know, I know that I have many different stories in my mind, that can possibly grant me at least the tiniest bit of the golden cup called "success and fame".
The thing is, I am not progressing much in them 8D
But you are indeed, writing, or at least attempting to write a book now, ain't you?

OK FINE YOU WIN
I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER NOW, ALRIGHT
STAPH

You ought to give yourself more credit, you are much stronger than you think you are.
How many years will it take for you to give up on your dreams?
Ten years? Still counting?
You will never give up, and that's your greatest strength. Possibly the most valuable one, ever.
I KNOW
I KNOW
ALRIGHT.
Alright.
I will keep writing now. okay?
I will.
I WILL

(Brings me back to the imaginative conversations of Ni, Fe, Ti, and Se last night when I was just about to fall asleep. My Ni was screaming WORKK WORKK YOU DESERVE NO SLEEP YOU HAVE DREAMS TO REALIZE; my Fe was thinking oh fuck did I hurt my mum's feelings just now by saying women nowadays rely too hard on their husbands for living??? WHO ELSE'S FEELINGS DID I HURT; Ti: Dude, sleep now, you need the energy to have better work tomorrow; Se: Hmmmm Will this posture give me a sore back tomorrow?)