I am having mixed feelings recording down everything I wrote on paper while I was in NZ.
A little bit of shame, mixed with tiredness, sleepiness, and some nostalgia, baked with my digital footprint in this totally secret-y exclusive blook.

hah.

29/12/17

4/8/19 Jack: I must had been staying in Christchurch still. The only thing I remember was the crazy portable campsites, Christmas happenings, kids banging my window for fun, somehow memorable fireworks, barbeques and my lonesome Nintendo 3DS.
It was a week=long celebration.

=

Lake Poaka Amenity Area.
No sandfly unlike what people in Campermate said.

I think I'm slightly addicted to mountain climbing (trekking?). The feeling of reaching the top (Assassin's Creed!!!) & Getting to enjoy the panoramic views, the sensation of bringing my long-dead lungs back to life, the usage of all my limbs and torso to balance my body out. I never thought there will come a day where I actually enjoy a physical activity.
(Yes, everytime I finish climbing a mountain I tell myself that this is the last fucking one I'm DONE with climbing but there I go again.)

"I'm done with my bullshits. That's when a life breakthrough happen." - Liz Gilbert.
As I climb my way up to the peak, there were so many times I told myself STOP I NEED A REST NO I CAN'T GO ANYMOR- NO BULLSHIT & I kept walking. It worked. And for that one second I thought I can accomplish any fucking thing I want to do. I'm completely done with my bullshits.

The dream came back again, this time reminding me of (I cried) my trauma & mum. I wonder why is it such a hot topic for my personal nightmare manager to bring up. They could show me something like a red-clothed female ghost or me drowning in a jar of marmite or a long-drop toilet or whatever & I'll be fine but THAT??? WHY???

I don't know how to face that part of my memory sometimes. And it's awkward & weird to discuss that with my family. What I know is, at that moment when that happened, I could do ANTHING if it meant getting my normal mum back. That thought makes me proud as a son.
But after all these months, with it still lingering, I feel so helpless whenever it strikes randomly, as if it's trying to remind me that all I'm doing now is futile & it will forever be affecting my life whenever it chooses to.

I won't let it.

Anyway, it's decided that I'm doing Mt. Cook tomorrow. Woke up too late today teehee. (I think this meant that I was supposed to do Mt. Cook on the 29th of December). The night's sleep was bad, my body was well-covered from the cold but breathing in cold, chilly air? With my mouth? That, I can't stand.
Good luck with helpx, weather tomorrow & with your car. And seriously, don't fret about the money so much. Everything will be fine, like always. I'm confident in you. Sleep tight.

Is it just me, that Morrie always seems to say just the right thing at the right time? Page 104 & 105. As the pages grow thinner, I grow more waried.
"Wait no don't stop here, tell me more!"
"What if I didn't have my cunts & whores? I asked. Would I feel lonely?"
Yes, I would feel as if there is a huge void in me, one I wouldn't know how to fill. But after these many months of traveling, I feel like I could never ever feel lonely anymore. I am in tune with nature & it is with me.